


He loves me (with every beat of his heart)

by kissyledss



Series: Buck Begins [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck Begins, Depressed Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eating Disorders, Eddie's Obsessed with Buck's Birthmark, Emotional Eddie Diaz, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Euphoria, Firefam Feels, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lack of Sleep, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Post-lawsuit, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley, pulse points
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissyledss/pseuds/kissyledss
Summary: Buck is energetic, always full of euphoria, conversationalist by nature and, as his work demands, mentally alert in relation to visual, auditory and tactile sensations and that's why no one says that it's becoming too much.Too much energy, euphoria and happiness.No one mentions how his collarbones start to show and how his wrists look smaller or the dark circles under his eyes and the lack of life in the crystalline blue.No one says anything because it's just Buck being Buck...until Buck stops being himself.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buck Begins [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664155
Comments: 36
Kudos: 411





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is gonna be a hell of a ride, there's gonna be a lot to cover in this story like when Buck started to took his painkillers and the potential addiction to these that he could've acquired. I'm not a specialist at all so be kind to me and also there's gonna be mentions of drug addiction, eating disorders and some mental health issues so please be aware of this and if there's anything that can be a trigger to you please be safe.
> 
> Tittle from Off To The Races by Lana Del Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: Insecurity, Buck's mind is a dark place.

His mother used to say that the world was full of bad people, some more than others, but in the end, all bad in one aspect or another and Buck remembers asking her if he was a bad person, to which his mother replied that he wasn't _yet_ but that in the end, he would become one because that was the destiny of the human race. Buck hadn't understood it at that young age but now, as he lies in his bed facing the consequences of his impulsiveness, he understands that he's a bad person _now_ , and in the end, he ended up becoming what his mother had warned him about.

_There is nothing wrong with having wickedness in you, Evan. The important thing is the way you take that evil and how do you transform it._

His mother's words echoed in his head but Buck doesn't know what to do with that right now and, truth be told, he has been sailing in a sea full of darkness with no port to reach and without a destination for too long, lost, broken and less than two seconds from sinking and _never_ reaching the surface again. _Drowned as in the Tsunami._

The tsunami. Buck remembers the constant feeling of the water in his throat, in his nose and lungs, the despair of not being able to breathe, of reaching the surface. The relief of taking the first breath of air after what seemed like years of torture and _then_ pain, horror, and panic. The guilt of losing Christopher and then the relief of finding him and putting him safely on the fire truck, the happiness of saving the lives of people around the water, the guilt of not being able to save so many civilians and then, once again, the horror, panic, and pain of losing Christopher _again._ Buck hadn't even thought about what it took to go after Christopher until he found the water up to his throat again, the pain in his leg and the weariness all over his body. However, he couldn't stop, he couldn't be the culprit of the death of Christopher, that little boy who was what kept Eddie still _alive._ That's why every time Buck remembers the fatal scenarios that may have occurred due to his carelessness, he wants to hit his head against the wall. He almost _killed_ a child, and not just any child, the son of his best friend, and even though Eddie told him it wasn't _his_ fault and that he trusted him more than anyone else in the world, Buck still cannot sleep, breathe, or stop feeling guilty. 

And now, lying on his bed, with no one to count on due to the lawsuit, Buck finds himself in a spiral that is taking him down dangerous paths of his teenage years. Paths that Buck has tried to erase, to bury deep in his soul in a Pandora's box that contains all the ugly parts of him but now that box is opening little by little every day that he stays away from his family, from his friends, from human contact. And Buck, he no longer has the strength to try to close it. 


	2. Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression. Lose of Faith. Religion.

There are times when your body feels distant from your soul, days when you are unable to feel anything, dissociating. Buck knew how to deal with it since he was young, he just had to keep quiet and continued with the routine that his mother wrote on a sheet of paper for him. 

_Wake up. Breathe. Bath. Breathe. Get ready. Breathe. Eat. Breathe. Eat, Buck. Breathe. Smile. Everything is fine._

But his mother isn't at his side right now, not even Maddie, there is no one to get him out of the catatonic state he wants to enter and never leave. He is _lost._ Buck doesn't remember a time in his life where he had been so far away from himself, even when he was little and anxiety attacked him at dawn, he hadn't felt so alone and so unprotected as right now. 

People say that you always have to have a little hope that everything will improve eventually, that a superior force will help you in your worst moments when there is danger and the darkness is swallowing you like a black hole. And although Buck has believed that since he was little, a part of him tries to remember the last time he felt close to God or even had a small part of hope and _he cannot_ remember any moment in the last two years of his life. Not even when he had the weight of a fire truck on his leg and the pain blinded him, never in his recovery did he ask for help from anything or anyone and, when the Tsunami attacked, he did not find himself begging God to find Christopher. It had all been _his_ effort. _His._

The reality of his thoughts hits him like a bucket of cold water. Did he _lose_ his faith? Had he been losing it day by day and now he was just going back in time to his old habits? Is that why he feels so small, lonely, broken, anxious and depressed? Could he blame anyone else but himself for his relapse? Buck had the answer to those questions but he was afraid of them and also of staying in his department, in his bed, just thinking and thinking over and over again about what he had _lost_ because of the lawsuit. He had lost his sister since she left his home in Pennsylvania, lost his friends after the fire truck accident, get them back and lost them again after his pulmonary embolism but he always had his family: Eddie and Christopher. However, now alone in his bed and the darkness of his house, Buck has also _lost_ them. 

A tear falls down his cheek and is about to become more than one but his cell phone starts to ring. "Hello?" He answers with a harsh voice, sobs of years contained in his vocal cords. 

"Hello, Evan. I have news." A voice, a man that has become his shadow and his punishment. Buck holds his breath. 


	3. One last time

"Hello, Evan. I have news." A voice, a man that has become his shadow and his punishment. Buck holds his breath. "We won, you will be back at your work tomorrow morning if that's what you want or you can go to the end of the world with all the money that we won..." his lawyer says and Buck can't breathe. _Tomorrow morning?_ He's not ready to face all of his coworkers and the guilt that treats to consume him. He thought he will have more time to rebuild his facade, hold his pieces together and put them back together with tape, blood, and tears but now everything is happening _so fast_ and he's not ready. "..you just have to sign a document and _voila_ , you will have your work and your money," Chase says and even trough the phone, Buck can hear is Cheshire smile and that - _God_ , that sound makes him sick. "What? Now a mouse ate your tongue or why you don't speak anymore Evan?" he says, a little bit of rage burning in his veins, he had expected a burst of celebration and maybe a _thank you for saving my job which I'm highly obsessed about._ But _no,_ all he can hear is sniffling and a warm breath through the phone. 

"S-sorry, I guess I'm in shock," Buck says, half-truth and half a lie. "I didn't expect to win," he confesses and that's all true because he thought that everything was lost, not only his relationship with his family but also every opportunity to get back to the 118. "Are you sure I can get back to work tomorrow?" he asks, anxiety running through his veins and burning his skin. 

"Positive, Evan, you wanted this and now you have it so take it before someone else takes it from you," his lawyer says and Buck knows he's right. He wanted this at any cost, even if that meant losing the family who no longer wanted him, but now he's so damn anxious and scared. _What if he's not good enough? What if he doesn't know how to be a firefighter anymore?_ Before he knows, the line is dead and Chase is no longer there to advise him, he's on his own for the thousandth time. 

* * *

Now he knows the answers to the questions of last night. He's _good_ enough...to do the chores and _not_ good enough to be a firefighter _anymore_. His hands smell like bleach and he's so damn tired but he can't stop, _he can't be weak_ in front of his team. He wanted this, and at this point of the day, it's what he keeps telling himself to not succumb to the tiredness in his bones. 

"Buckley, take a break," his captain finally says at the end of his shift, there are a few minutes on the clock and Buck could cry right there but _he can't be weak_ , not here where he doesn't feel safe anymore, no, he has to wait till he's in the safety of his department covered by his bedsheets. 

"Thanks," he says, plain and simple because he doesn't have the strength to make a conversation. Today has been a rough day so far, so many dirty calls and Buck had to watch and clean, that is everything he has now, not more calls for him, this was his life and he felt so ashamed. Fortunately, his shift finished soon enough and he is finally able to cry his day off and sleep a little bit, hoping that this day was a test and that tomorrow something better is waiting for him. 

* * *

He was so damn _wrong_. A few months had passed since he returned to the 118 and everything is so bad. He doesn't longer feel that rush of saving lives or the tiredness in his bones after a rough call so maybe that's why he's so surprised when Bobby asks him to go with them in a call. He wants to think that's because the team needs him instead of the fact that this is a major call and that's why he is needed. 

The road is silent, full of a feeling that Buck can't quite put the finger on at the moment but when they arrive at the location he feels himself failing to keep a stoic face. Everything is burning and he can feel the warmth already even if he's not close to the fire and he knows it now, the feeling he couldn't describe a few moments ago, now he knows that is _fear_. Pure fear. 

"Buckley," he turns around to see his captain, he's wearing a mask and he's so ready to go in there. "I don't need you right now," he stops and Buck feels himself breaking a little more, "but I need your version of Spiderman, can you do it?" he asks, face full of concern because he _knows_ Buck isn't good enough anymore. He knows but nevertheless he's given him a chance and Buck would be so dumb if he doesn't take it even if it means _die_ trying to prove himself one last time. 

"Yes." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Wash your hands. Kudos and comments make me happy. x


End file.
